A raw, real, and relentless look at where I’m going…
I’m not sure how to start this or even if it will mean anything to anyone other than myself. I’m not even sure where I should write this… I prefer the elegance of a hand written note, inside of a journal but my current thoughts are moving much to fast to be captured so slowly.
I am on edge right now. Mainly because my diet has been off, I’m frustrated with where I am in life, and I have an impending investment that I’m not sure (at least at this moment) will give me a positive ROI…
But, I think it goes deeper than that, much deeper.
You see, I have this deep desire to live simply and quietly but my convictions make this feat impossible. And I know why. I’ve seen things I’ve done change people. I’m too far in now to turn back… this is my road…
and though it’s far from smooth and ventures into unknown lands, this is my road…
I’m ever-tempted to throw in the towel, at least on one half of it…
It is not the journey that I doubt; I welcome it with open arms. I look forward to the discipline and sacrifices it requires. Furthermore, I look forward to the man I will become in wandering down and making this path… for this is my road and nobody will travel it before me but many will after…
Like I said, I have made a few splashes and started to build a name for myself… but, it’s far below my true potential and capabilities (this too frustrates me)… I’m capable of so much more and I’m currently selling myself too short… that frustrates me… no, it down-right pisses me off… this aggressive frustration is the catalyst for the relentless edge I carry over my shoulder, like a bow equipped with arrows to penetrate all the bullshit I encounter on a daily basis…
I seek authenticity… desperately… in a world full of snapchat filters and Instagram influencers, it’s almost impossible to find what’s real… but, I have heard the calling to attempt to sort through the bullshit and in doing so I’m confident that I will be able to help a handful of people, at the very least…
those who know me personally, know the kind of edge I have… it’s nothing knew and it’s certainly a double edge sword… but fuck, it’s how I’ve been able to publish 2 books, live in 8 states, land dream jobs, in dream locations, make decent money, and turn it all down to live in my truck… authenticity is what I seek and I will not rest until I find it and am able to consume a healthy dose on a regular basis…
fuck, even then, I will not rest… I know myself… I’m extremely hard on myself, ask anybody who knows me… that too is a double edged sword and I don’t necessarily wear it like a badge of honor… I know my worth and I have an insatiable appetite to get it…
[story to follow, sorry]
so…. in Ole LaToof fashion, I politely and in a non-bridge burning way threw up the deuces…
I should also add that my work was interfering with MY WORK, as a writer and content producer, and (for lack of a better term) a real influencer…
I consider myself an influencer because I have actually had my work influence people to take control of their lives and change something, to go after something… two cases immediately come to mind… 1 guy from TX and another from TN up and moved to California to pursue their dreams…
I know this because I lived with both of them… I welcomed them with open arms, even buying them all you can eat sushi meals upon arrival, although both of them didn’t like sushi and elected to go with something cooked… it’s the thought that counts and I share that with you because I’m a good dude! I take care of people who want to take care of themselves… at heart, I care about people, to a fault… anybody that knows me, knows that…
ex-girlfriends I’ve left because I knew my age was holding them back from pursing things further with me… also because I have known for quite a while that my road isn’t wide and there’s not much room for anybody else to trail blaze with me… it’s broken my heart, still does to an extent but I’ve accepted it and it’s okay…
But, the time is coming for me to accept my next role in this crazy ass life… the story teller Nick… you see, over the past half decade or so, I’ve done some really cool shit and have shared some of it… but, I’ve been selfish and have reserved the best parts for myself…
but, that’s about to change…
I have documented much of my journey and still remember it well… I am not a hoarding of material things… rather, of memories and moments shared with special individuals… these will come to the light and be shared in the most elegant and meaningful of ways…
I’m afraid I’ll always carry that relentless edge with me… it is my cross to bear and I plan to do so stoically…
For the people who have loyally followed my journey this far, I think you’ll be in for a real treat and you’ll finally have the full story of which you are incredibly deserving of… I can’t thank you enough for the love and support… every email, text, and direct message I’ve screen-shotted and placed in my phone under an “Affirmations” category… when I find myself down and out, you’re always a few taps away from bringing wind back into my sails and providing me with the ultimate motivation: a reason for being…
